I had the luck to see the second Transformers movie at a midnight IMAX showing Wednesday; it’s taken me a day to recover from the Bayhem present in the movie, to again be able to form coherent thoughts and frame them intelligently through written language. Truly, this is not a mere movie but a spectacle of pure, unrefined Awesome(boom).

My thoughts – disjointed as they may be – follow.

For those who do not wish to read a long dissertation on the meaning of explosions and plot holes, here’s a short version: Megan Fox is in it, she’s no longer covered in bacon grease, and rarely does much more than look kind of hot while – occasionally – doing something almost badass.
There is also a sub-plot about giant robots beating the shit out of each other while things explode in the background – but this feels almost secondary to Shia’s arm-candy and his Destiny.

That’s not to say this isn’t a fun, enjoyable film: To the contrary, once the movie stops trying to give you any actual “normal” story, it gets right to the Awesome(boom) and never stops. It is only during the opening act, where the story attempts to give Sam (The Beef) his “normal life” that it’s slow, boring and kind of stupid. Once events intrude upon his normality, and the shit hits the fan (then explodes, awesomely) does the movie really kick into gear and start serving up the awesome at a pace that’s almost hard to keep up with. One could say that this was intentional, to contrast the normal life that Sam wanted with the life he must lead – but, frankly, I don’t think anyone involved with this particular movie was anywhere near intelligent enough to have done this.

Two days later, I’m still not entirely sure what the story is. However, to prevent any actual spoilage, I’ll include what little I remember of it in the handy tags below. Perhaps someone, somewhere, can help fill me in on what the hell was actually going on.

[spoiler]
A really long time ago, when humanity was barely out of the caves, a crap-load of Transformers found Earth and started fighting. We find out later they were fighting about a machine that, when switched on, would create lots of Energon by destroying the Sun. The mind behind this scheme was the titular Fallen, the first of the Decepticons, and one of the 13 Primes. The other 12 Primes took the key to the machine (the Matrix of Leadership), hid it, and blew themselves up in order to make sure it stayed buried.

In the present day, The Fallen is hiding out (for reasons never explained) near Saturn. He’s still pretty damn powerful, and can only be defeated by a Prime – of which Optimus is the last. How Optimus can be a Prime when 12 of the original 13 blew themselves up, and the Fallen was the 13th they don’t explain. Maybe one of them had a kid or something.

Anyway, the Decepticons are on Earth doing two things: Looking for The Matrix of Leadership, and Megatron. They find Megatron, and using a sliver of the All Spark stolen from a government lab, bring him back to life. He immediately blows some stuff up, and gets into a fight with Optimus – eventually killing him (shock!).

Sam is now on the run, both from the Decepticons (they want the info in his head; turns out the All Spark did an info-dump to him), and the world governments (The Fallen said that if they don’t hand him over, then lots of cities will be wrecked). He, and his rag-tag group of friends (Megan Fox, his college room-mate Shouty, that Sector 7 guy, Bumblebee and two new Autobots, Tweedledum and Tweedledee) set out to… do… something. Figure out what the voices in Sams head are talking about, I think.

They find a really, really old former Decepticon that tells them about the Matrix of Leadership, then takes them to Egypt to find the machine that eats the sun so that the Fallen can’t start it.

Well, they find it, and the Matrix thinggie – Sam dies (Yay!) but goes to Autobot Heaven where the 12 Primes declare him Awesome, and send him back to resurect Prime – who promptly has damn Matrix stolen by the Fallen so he can start the Sun Eater. Prime get’s an upgrade, beats the piss out of The Fallen, Megatron and Starscream, and saves the day.

Also, lots and lots of stuff explode in slow motion throughout the whole movie, almost independent of what’s going on in the story.
[/spoiler]

So, yeah – lots more actual robot action. Lots less stupid human storyline. The characterization of the various Transformers are more inline with what they should be: Starscream, for example, is now a whiny, traitorous bitch.

And, the whole last third of the movie is almost entirely things blowing up in increasingly larger and more grandiose ways while people run in slow motion, shouting quietly (seriously, I wouldn’t make that up), and occasionally looking scared or sad.

I think it is this part of the movie, this continuous string of things going up in huge balls of flame while guns are firing, rockets are flying, and giant fucking robots are beating the shit out of each other, humans, and buildings, that completely sums up what it was about the Transformers that captured the imaginations of children in the 80′s and has refused to let go ever since. It is the very definition of Bayhem, and It. Is. Awesome.

I do have some questions, like:
[spoiler]
Why was The Fallen just kicking it near Saturn for so damn long?
Why was Jetfire inactive this whole time? Was he in some sort of hibernation since the 70s? More to the point, how could no one notice that one of 32 highly classified planes was actually a giant alien robot?
Why did Wheelie, the RC Car created on Earth, have a better, deeper understanding of the history of his species than The Twins, who were presumably from Cybertron?
Why the hell did China go along with the US cover-up of the events of the first part of this movie?
How the hell did they cover up the destruction of the majority of L.A.?
[/spoiler]

Still, there’s some great one liners – one about a tighter shirt, and one about the wheel.

All said, it is a greatly enjoyable movie – despite its flaws. It is, by far, superior to the first movie in almost every way that is important.

It’s Transfomers… Giant robots doing giant robot stuff. It’s just plain Awesome (boom).

Dear Sirs,

In regards to your recent interview with TrekMovie.com, I have the following to say:
[spoiler]What the fuck are you thinking? “It’s the same, but it’s different”? It’s a brand new alternate universe, but it’s not a reboot?
Um, no – sorry! If it’s a new universe, a new line of continuity… Then it is, by definition, a fucking reboot.[/spoiler]

And, I’m fine with that – as long as you stop treating the fans like idiots, and just admit it. It’s your movie, and as long as your true to the core of the series, that’s all that really matters.

Just stop with the bullshit – you’re not fooling anyone, you’re only pissing us off.

Thanks!
Dunny

Yeah, the rental cost me four bucks, but I just now did the math. Was it worth it? Oh hell yes it was! My only regret in this whole exchange is that I don’t get to keep a copy of this movie, that’s how much I enjoyed the damn thing. Minor plot spoilers to follow – but, frankly, this is not the kind of movie one would watch for it’s deep and twisty plot. Twisted, maybe, but not deep.

Except some of the wounds…

The basics of the movie are this: There’s this girl named Ami, and she’s got this little brother. Somehow – we never find out how – he gets involved with a gang, ends up owing them a couple grand, then manages to get himself tossed off a parking garage.

Really, this kid isn’t that bright.

Well, Ami is understandably heart broken over this, because now she’s all alone. Her parents committed suicide some time ago (we’re not told when) over some sort of murder charges – I guess they were implicated, but never convicted? Well, her and her stupid brother made a promise that they’d never die, then he went and had himself thrown to his death.

That, right there, is the majority of the plot. She sets out to find those that murdered her brother, and promises to help his spirit rest by killing every last one of them in the most bloody and gruesome ways possible.

Now, before you decide “Oh, okay – Kill Bill style revenge flick, I think I get it, thanks”, I should mention that there’s quite a bit of humor to this movie too. I mean, yeah, there’s a ton of over the top action, but a majority of the effects are done in such a way as to purposefully be funny. Such as the point where some one has their hand dipped in tempura batter, then their whole arm is deep fried… and comes out looking all fluffy and feathery and not at all gnarly and disgusting.

There’s also a couple of – I’m assuming – homages to Army of Darkness with both the gun-arm and a chainsaw-arm being tossed into the air, then “locked” on to the arm Ash style. It’s pretty sweet, and even sweeter when later on the chainsaw-arm is used as a chainsaw-leg.

There isn’t much else to say about the movie: It’s fairly predictable, if you decide to actually try and outguess the story, but that’s not the point of this at all – it is a very light hearted and fun diversion, something to entertain and pass two hours.

Which it does perfectly.

Thoughts after the jump…

This episode was one big fanwank – technobabble up the ass, every companion known to man standing around the TARDIS helping the Doctor Fly (Except you Jackie… You just stand over there…) and one improbable event after another.

This can be excused though, since it’s an RTD episode. He’s known for his Improbable Events, his Reset Button Endings and There Are No Consequences scripts. But, since this is his last episode, maybe we can let it go?

I’m pretty sure this will be the last we see of the majority of the companions at this point: Jack will go back to Torchwood, with Martha and Mickey in tow. Sarah Jane Smith will go back to her improbable son and her tin-dog (A last minute inclusion I was happy to have!) and do her own thing… And Rose? Yeah, her and her mum are safely tucked back in their parallel world, which is really, really sealed off for reals this time, honest.

Oh, and she has her own beau now too, a war vet that’s filled with rage and genocidal hatred, but that she can love and tame. Because, well, she did it for the Doctor, right? [eye_roll]

Which brings us to Donna: She ends the season right where we found her: Loud, arrogant and oblivious to everything around her. This whole season has had a theme of growth and change, of being more than yo start out, of her being the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE… And it ends with The Doctor wiping her god damn memory so that she doesn’t die!

What. The. Fuck?!

I’m sorry – I loved Donna. She was bold and brassy, and a lot quicker than she gave herself credit for. She finally comes into her own in this episode, and what happens? It nearly kills her.

Maybe that was the reset button: Donna has every memory of the TARDIS, of the Doctor, of her past year removed from her. She has to live her life like she used to, doing nothing, being loud and arrogant and self absorbed – not the woman we saw her become by season end.

How frustrating, eh?

Can I think of a better ending? Maybe: The Doctor find a way to remove the Time Lord knowledge that is killing her without wiping everything else, and the pain of constantly being reminded of what she had been – had known – is enough to ask to go home. She stays the fully grown person we know, the more active, stronger Donna – but on Earth, doing what she can to make a difference here.

Sure, it’s shades of Flowers for Algernon, but I think it’d work quite well in this context. It sure as hell would be less ham-fisted, and I doubt the audience would feel quite as cheated as I do right now.

That said, I’m glad now for the year long break. I think the show needs it, the writers need some time to evaluate where it’s going, and where it should go.

So, so long Donna Nobel – You were enjoyed, and you will be missed.

Minor minor minor Spoilers, so watch at your own peril.

I’ve had to remove both gaming sites from my RSS feed, and I’m seriously considering doing the same to Engadget. Although with the “share stories” feature in Google Reader, I might be better off just not checking at all until Friday.

Is it too much to ask that I be able to just play the god damn game and not know EVERYTHING about it beforehand?

The pacing was perfect – not so fast that you’re left wondering what the hell is going on, but not so slow that you’re wishing it would get to the good bits. The story is pretty solid, doing a good job of setting up Tony Stark, his world, and then bringing about the changes that cause him to become Iron Man – all in a rather believable way.

The acting is pretty darn good, although not entirely perfect. I wasn’t too fond of one or two side characters, but all said it works very well.

All told, there are six characters in the movie. That’s not a whole lot, but that’s fine since the majority of the time it’s focused tightly on Tony “Iron Man” Stark, and how he’s reacting to his environment. Although the final fight between him and the baddie – no spoilers – is fucking awesome. Not quite epic, but still damn awesome.

I can easily recommend this to any fan of action films, comic-book movies or just good films in general. It’s good fun for pretty much everyone.

Oh, and do yourself a favor when you go: Sit through the credits.
All of them. It’s worth it.
It’s EPIC.