I think you’ve spent more than enough time bemoaning the sad, sad fate of the DJ Hero game from Activision. Yes, it looks like a neat game with a cool concept and a solid peripheral, and sure – it costs more than it probably should, but it flopped just like we all knew it would. Frankly, the only people who are surprised are you. So, you know, stop writing stories wondering why it flopped!

Not the boxart

Do you want to know why it was an epic fail? Fine, it’s really simple: No one wants to be a fucking DJ.

There, that wasn’t that hard, was it? It has nothing to do with it costing over a hundred bucks, it has nothing to do with people being “burned out” on the music genre, or the plastic toy instrument genre. It has nothing to do with folks being unable to find a place to store the deck… Hell, it doesn’t even have anything to do with the music included, or the lack of interesting multiplayer.

People simply just do not want to be a damn DJ.

Bands, be they Rock or otherwise, have a home in our popular culture. There are stories of bands traveling the world solving crimes, bands who fight secret evil organizations, even tales of band that unite the galaxy in peace via their most excellent music and time traveling adventures.

We’ve had TV series (and movies) about bands, about making bands, about being in bands, about bands falling apart, finding missing bands… Bands are everywhere. We all want to be in one, or at least a part of one.

It speaks to something primal within all of us. Who hasn’t played a little air guitar (or, in the case of a particular Phil Collins song, air drums)? Much like the floor being made of lava, this is a phenomenon that is not bound to any particular culture or ethnic group: People love bands, and want to emulate them.

I cannot say the same about DJ. I could probably name two DJs if I were forced to, and one of them is DJ Jazzy Jeff. The rare times I’ve encountered a DJ have been at clubs (filled with d-bags), in really pricey trendy stores (filled with d-bags), and in smaller clubs with trendy decor (also, d-bags). Their setup looks pretty interesting to the gadget hound in me (two turntables and a Macbook? Sweet!), and I must admit to fiddling around with decks in d-baggy music stores, but none of these experiences have inspired me to spend hours of my leisure time emulating them in front of the TV.

Obviously, I’m not alone, as there aren’t any tales – epic or otherwise – about DJs, their exploits, or their whereabouts.

I pains me to say this, but DJs just aren’t cool.
And that’s pretty much why the damn game ain’t selling.

It’s not rocket surgery, people. Now, can you please give it a rest?