I think you’ve spent more than enough time bemoaning the sad, sad fate of the DJ Hero game from Activision. Yes, it looks like a neat game with a cool concept and a solid peripheral, and sure – it costs more than it probably should, but it flopped just like we all knew it would. Frankly, the only people who are surprised are you. So, you know, stop writing stories wondering why it flopped!

Not the boxart

Do you want to know why it was an epic fail? Fine, it’s really simple: No one wants to be a fucking DJ.

There, that wasn’t that hard, was it? It has nothing to do with it costing over a hundred bucks, it has nothing to do with people being “burned out” on the music genre, or the plastic toy instrument genre. It has nothing to do with folks being unable to find a place to store the deck… Hell, it doesn’t even have anything to do with the music included, or the lack of interesting multiplayer.

People simply just do not want to be a damn DJ.

Bands, be they Rock or otherwise, have a home in our popular culture. There are stories of bands traveling the world solving crimes, bands who fight secret evil organizations, even tales of band that unite the galaxy in peace via their most excellent music and time traveling adventures.

We’ve had TV series (and movies) about bands, about making bands, about being in bands, about bands falling apart, finding missing bands… Bands are everywhere. We all want to be in one, or at least a part of one.

It speaks to something primal within all of us. Who hasn’t played a little air guitar (or, in the case of a particular Phil Collins song, air drums)? Much like the floor being made of lava, this is a phenomenon that is not bound to any particular culture or ethnic group: People love bands, and want to emulate them.

I cannot say the same about DJ. I could probably name two DJs if I were forced to, and one of them is DJ Jazzy Jeff. The rare times I’ve encountered a DJ have been at clubs (filled with d-bags), in really pricey trendy stores (filled with d-bags), and in smaller clubs with trendy decor (also, d-bags). Their setup looks pretty interesting to the gadget hound in me (two turntables and a Macbook? Sweet!), and I must admit to fiddling around with decks in d-baggy music stores, but none of these experiences have inspired me to spend hours of my leisure time emulating them in front of the TV.

Obviously, I’m not alone, as there aren’t any tales – epic or otherwise – about DJs, their exploits, or their whereabouts.

I pains me to say this, but DJs just aren’t cool.
And that’s pretty much why the damn game ain’t selling.

It’s not rocket surgery, people. Now, can you please give it a rest?

But how?

The object of this “game” – such as it is – was to survive by not touching the floor. Maybe you had to get out of the room (volcano/jungle/spaceship), maybe you just had to stay put for rescue (a lonely prospect for only children), and the only way to move about the floor was via climbing furniture, jumping from thrown cushion to cushion, or even stepping on stuffed animals that might be cluttering up the room.

I probably didn’t have to go into so much detail – this game seems pretty universal, but I wanted to be sure terms were clear before I got to the meat of this post: How, and where, did this game start?

It seems odd to me that something so simple, with the same basic rules and the same basic guidelines, should manifest itself in a large number of children without outside influence. Regardless of race, age, class or national origin – everyone knows this game, most have played it, and most deny “learning” about it – it just occurred to them that it might be fun.

And, it was fun… But why does it occur so commonly? Is it some throw back to some ancient time, so prehistoric survival skills buried deeply in our DNA? Is this one of the few strong ties to our genetic forebears that we just won’t understand?

If so – do the primates “play” in such a way, or is this something unique to humans (cats, too I suppose. Watch them run around the house – they, too, know the dangers of the floor)?

This is something that would make for an amazing study, and although it might not cure anything or even make the world a much better, brighter place to be in, it’d give us a much greater insight into our own species, the collective psyche.

And, maybe, help us figure out where that damn lava keeps coming from anyway.