I think you’ve spent more than enough time bemoaning the sad, sad fate of the DJ Hero game from Activision. Yes, it looks like a neat game with a cool concept and a solid peripheral, and sure – it costs more than it probably should, but it flopped just like we all knew it would. Frankly, the only people who are surprised are you. So, you know, stop writing stories wondering why it flopped!

Not the boxart

Do you want to know why it was an epic fail? Fine, it’s really simple: No one wants to be a fucking DJ.

There, that wasn’t that hard, was it? It has nothing to do with it costing over a hundred bucks, it has nothing to do with people being “burned out” on the music genre, or the plastic toy instrument genre. It has nothing to do with folks being unable to find a place to store the deck… Hell, it doesn’t even have anything to do with the music included, or the lack of interesting multiplayer.

People simply just do not want to be a damn DJ.

Bands, be they Rock or otherwise, have a home in our popular culture. There are stories of bands traveling the world solving crimes, bands who fight secret evil organizations, even tales of band that unite the galaxy in peace via their most excellent music and time traveling adventures.

We’ve had TV series (and movies) about bands, about making bands, about being in bands, about bands falling apart, finding missing bands… Bands are everywhere. We all want to be in one, or at least a part of one.

It speaks to something primal within all of us. Who hasn’t played a little air guitar (or, in the case of a particular Phil Collins song, air drums)? Much like the floor being made of lava, this is a phenomenon that is not bound to any particular culture or ethnic group: People love bands, and want to emulate them.

I cannot say the same about DJ. I could probably name two DJs if I were forced to, and one of them is DJ Jazzy Jeff. The rare times I’ve encountered a DJ have been at clubs (filled with d-bags), in really pricey trendy stores (filled with d-bags), and in smaller clubs with trendy decor (also, d-bags). Their setup looks pretty interesting to the gadget hound in me (two turntables and a Macbook? Sweet!), and I must admit to fiddling around with decks in d-baggy music stores, but none of these experiences have inspired me to spend hours of my leisure time emulating them in front of the TV.

Obviously, I’m not alone, as there aren’t any tales – epic or otherwise – about DJs, their exploits, or their whereabouts.

I pains me to say this, but DJs just aren’t cool.
And that’s pretty much why the damn game ain’t selling.

It’s not rocket surgery, people. Now, can you please give it a rest?

Gabe Newell, Director of Game Development - Valve Software

Hi, how are you? I’m fine. The weather is finally cooling off, which is nice – won’t have to run the AC as often, which in these harsh economic times means I might be able to save a bit of cash.

But, enough small talk – this isn’t a social call. No, I’m actually writing you (or pretending to write to you via my blog) in order to register a formal complaint on the latest DLC for Left 4 Dead on the XBox 360.

This product is, sadly, buggy and not at all worth the seven dollars you are charging for it. Oh, I’ve read the sob story that Microsoft forced you into charging for the content, that you wanted it to be free but Microsoft made you charge for it… And that’s fine, that’s understandable, I suppose. They want you to charge for it, well… charge for it. But a whole seven bucks? For a level that takes less than half an hour to complete, and is full of bugs? I’d expect this from Bethesda, but not you. You made Portal, one of my favorite games of all time, and the Half-Life series of games, which are astounding.

And you also made… This. This pile of crap.

I’m sorry to be harsh, but that’s what it is: A pile of crap, a box of turds costing seven dollars.

The level is rife with clipping issues – many walls and trucks and containers can just be walked through as if they weren’t there. Normally, this wouldn’t be much of an issue – except one kind of needs barriers to act as barriers when one is attempting to find some sort of shelter from an incoming zombie horde.

Or, perhaps, this was an intentional thing, created to ratchet the difficulty of the game up a few notches? I should hope not- that’s what the difficultly setting is for. No, it’s just crappy level design and even worse QA.

There are also several building whose interiors appear to exist on other planes – peering into the door ways from outside gives one a grand view of the entire map, but entering them places on in a dark, dank closet. It’s a neat riff on the whole Portal thing, to be sure – but I don’t think it quite fits with the L4D experience. I also think it might be just plain buggy.

Then, there’s the end game.
Turn on the generator, I’m told.
What generator, I wonder? There’s nothing that looks remotely like a generator anywhere near the rest of the end-game barricades and turret. It was only through wandering around – and back tracking – that I was able to find the damn thing. What happened to the hints from the other levels that gently nudge one in the right direction?

I can see why this was free on the PC – it’s not really worth much. It should have been the same cost on the 360, or – because Big Bad Microsoft is being such a bully – no more than two bucks.

Honestly, had I the chance to do it all over again, I’d much rather have spent the cash on that neat Superman/Batman cartoon than this. I probably would have gotten far more enjoyment from it. And that makes me sad, because I normally enjoy Valve games. This, however, has made me reconsider my purchase of Left 4 Dead 2. I’m forced to wonder if this quickly tossed off bit of DLC is an indication of the level of quality the quickly tossed off sequel is going to be. Unless the reviews are stellar, I’m probably going to wait until I can pick up a used copy and a cheaper price.

Well, thanks for letting me vent – and for normally making quality games. Just stop pushing out over-priced, buggy DLC.