Entry 0082

I’m still up.
I’m very tired.
I can’t sleep.

Am I allowed to feel Emo if it’s late at night and I’m running on fumes?
Sometimes I wonder who reads my blog – I mean, I know of at least two people who read it, but I mean who are those that I don’t know that read it? I’m sure that whoever they are, they are someone I once knew… But, for whatever reason, don’t talk to anymore.

There are more and more people that I don’t talk to. There are also more and more people that I think about, and I wonder about, but that I just can’t bring myself to call, or text, or email. There are still sections of town that I won’t go to, sections of the internet that I stay away from, things in my own apartment that I hide, that I avoid, that I pretend aren’t there because it’s the only way to cope.

No one is dead, they are just living a happier life without me. I think, in the long run, that’s what’s hurt the most: how disposable I really am, how little impact I make and how much I grossly misjudged the situations. If I care too much or not enough… Either way, people are driven away eventually.

I’m starting to wonder if I should even publish this thing… It’s far more self indulgent than else I’ve written in a long while. Months and months, really… I could pinpoint exactly how long, but I don’t want to know that bad. Knowing a definite time would just make things worse.

Lately I just feel so god damn alone, unwanted and redundant. But, I’ve always been that I suppose.
Someday, maybe, that’ll be different. But not today, not tonight, not right now.